finding that spark

i was sick, so forgive me for being so moody. my last post was so emo. i guess id have to make bawi (tss. conyo shit) with some emo stuff too.

sorry. i wasn't thinking. im moody when im sick and you know that. you know how i am. basta. next time im sick, give me more attention. i promise, ill be that pathetic but SWEET (not grouchy anymore) bed-ridden loser waiting for your call the next time something like that happens. you make me happy, i hope you know that.
on other matters.....

i was talking to my dearest friend awhile ago. we talked about how hard it is to ignore the feeling of boredom when you're in a serious, long term relationship. reality slap people, it can be boring at a certain point, but that doesn't mean that everything has to end at that moment. steadiness is part of the whole relationship idea. that's what i learned from my dear aidz. he said that if a person's not willing to be steady with another person, then there's no point in continuing the relationship. when you get restless after 2 years of being together, then you'll definitely gonna be more restless 3, or even 10, years more. being steady has its ups. it makes you become more comfortable and safe with each other. it allows you to have someone as an easy outlet for whatever emotion it is you're having. in truth, being in a steady relationship makes you feel more confident too. blah blah blah.

i sometimes wonder if steadiness is the reason why there are commitment phobic people. i dont get them actually, how can you be scared of commitment when you havent given it a shot with that person? no relationship is the same, so why generalize love right? who knows, that next one might be the one.

the solution to boredom? find different ways of expressing your deep love for each other. this one's tricky. sab and i have been trying to look for perfect solutions for couples, but some are just so hard to actualize. so, here's what we've thought of as of now:
1. try a new sport together. (it works! its even fun when you're both competitive)
2. eat/go somewhere you dont usually go to. (being in a new environment gives you that 'we just had a different experience today' kind of feeling)
3. get drunk together. (there are lots of fun stuff you can do when you're wasted!)
4. renovate each other's rooms (well... )
5. go somewhere far and exciting
6. do the unusual (do things for him that you do not normally do. in my case, i have been dreaming of that day when i actually cook aidz that meal he's been long been wanting. sad to say, i dont cook AT ALL. maybe someday)
7. talk for hours about anything under the sun. phone conversations are definitely a no-no. its a lot more meaningful when you're together.
8. go wacky! do crazy stuff together like dance in the middle of who cares where. (ok, so im the only one who does that. its fun, try it.)


found this one in my Theology131 book:
It is when a couple falls out of love that they may begin to really love; real love does not have its roots in a feeling of love. To the contrary, real lvoe occurs in a context in which the feeling of lvoe is lacking, when we act lovingly despite the fact that we don't feel loving. Real love is permanently self-enlarging experience. Falling inlove is not - M. Scott Peck

who's to blame?

no, we're definitely not cool.

you want me to actually believe that you care when you, ONCE AGAIN, (let me guess) 'accidentally' slept while waiting for your sister to stop using the phone? you said so yourself, im sick and i need my rest. well guess what, im still sick and im still awake.

oh and yes, im blaming you for my being like this right now.

its a family thing

fuck. its been like this ever since. it just got a whole lot worse when i got out of ateneo. fuck.

nobody in the family knows even 5% of me, so they dont have the fuckin right to tell me who i am and what i should do. im so pissed off right now with everyone, especially my parents. just a sight of me would make them say two paragraphs of useless shit about my so-called useless life.

my dad has finally absorbed the fact that his words are nothing compared to my mom's. he has officially joined the under-the-saya organization. if thats what he wants, good luck then. nothing is as hell as letting my mom have full control of your life. i hope he's happy coz im definitely not. ive spent 4 years in college and its the first time my dad said no to every gimik i was supposed to go to. fuck. 'this time around, when i say no, no na kagad wag mo ng pilitin pa!' tangna. after tasting the sweet yes from him everytime i asked permission to go anywhere, that's what he's gonna tell me? he says ive had enough. enough of what? parties? tss. its not as if i go out every weekend! (well...) tangna, i go out but its not like i go around getting high all the time. i am not an addict. so sorry to let them down, but im really not. they think i am, thats stupid. tss. ever since he said no to that overnight at sab's, i said goodbye to talking to him. don't think ill be changing that soon.

i never talk to my mom. its pointless. obviously, we are far from being the gilmore girls (not that i want us to be). a sentence-long conversation is for us to start shouting at each other. she'll never understand me, that's for sure. she has a million things to say in everything i do: 1.my ukay ukay clothers are demonic cause eventually, ill be getting the bad characteristics of the last person who wore them. 2.when she sees my eyes watery, droopy, and all that jazz, she'll conclude that ive been taking drugs and shit. 3.i never made and will make wise decisions. 4.im a fuckin liar 5.im not as smart as everyone else 6. im the most deviant child a parent could ever want 7.i burn their money by buying useless stuff 8.im more fat than her 9.my friends are as fucked up as me 9.i have no right to anything 10-?..endless shit man. wow. moms are supposed to be their daughters' friends but nooo. we never had friendship to begin with. i know my limitations cause she said so: 'di mo ko kabarkada, nanay mo ko. remember that.' tangna she sure could count on that!

now, my brother. its a love-hate relationship, so its kinda the same with everyone naman. i just hate it when there's that favoritism shit again. scenario: parent's room. we both asked for money cause we both had lakads to go to. i get P100 and a mom shouting telling me how irresponsible i am for not having money for my own lakads, while he gets P500-1000 and a mom asking him if that's enough or not. wwhhhaatt-ttthhheee-fffuuuccckkk?! its been like that ever since they've proven the genius in him. no to my tagaytay outing, but yes to his batangas trip. no to using the driver, but yes to letting him use the driver, even the pajero, until wee hours of the morning. i know that he's definitely proven himself worthy of the armani and lacoste shirts she's been getting almost all the time, but it just feels so wrong sometimes. there should never ever be that kind of treatment when it comes to kids, if you ask me.

now, down to one. trish. my favorite familymate. she's definitely a sweetheart, but when my mom's around, trish is as 'angelic' as her. i love her dearly. i just hate that suck up side of hers.

now, here's my side of the story. i am not deliquent, just misunderstood. they think i make wrong decisions, maybe i do. but that never stopped me from doing something productive, intelligent, creative, and useful. oh and by the way, im smart. that's a fact. no dumb person would pass acet by luck or chance. though im not there anymore, i stayed for exactly 5 semesters. my friends are not fucked up. i love them cause theyre the best people in the world. i love going out cause its where im happy. im never happy when im with my family. i know that sucks, but thats that. i never care where im going, as long as its not with them. ive had a million attempts of leaving the house, but i never could. i try to get high grades now, i really am. i love ukay ukay. for the past years, ive never asked them to buy me anything, so they cant tell me that all i ever do is beg for something. i live with the little money they give me, even when i know na nananadya lang sila. i cry all the time. i shout cause im never heard. its always there side, and never mine. im silent when im with them cause the things i say never matter anyway.

they say they know me. tss. who the fuck are they fooling?

steady

everything's okay now. im calm, im contented.

it's gonna be QUITE different this time around. i think i want to let go of the 'always crying' side i have perfected and/or mastered through time. it's so hard to turn your whole world away from the person who means the whole world to you. anyhoo. that's why im staying. im not a fool. i want to stay, so i will.

glad that we're okay. happy that we're happy. tss.

foolish

see my days are cold without you, but im hurting while im with you. and though my heart cant take no more i keep on coming back to you.

fuck. weird experience saturday night. was it a taste of reality? f.

a paradox

was at Quattro last Thursday night. my girls were there: sab and gi. we had to go out. we all had our own reasons for wanting, no,i think the perfect word would be NEEDING to go out. lex and the others were there. gawd, chubi was there too. proud, NORMAL, pathetic shit. anyway, i had fun. in fact, i had so much fun! its been awhile since i last went out with a new set of people. my nights would usually be with the claret boys or my ateneo friends. im not complaining. its just so refreshing being around people you don't really know that well. gawd. such a memorable night. thanks sab. thanks gi. you made me smile.

--

on the other hand

--

im sad. nothing's going right.
i try to keep it together, but im sooo falling apart.


im so tired, i feel so uninspired. i scared of this feeling.

waiting

everyone's doing their all souls day thing, while im left here sitting infront of my laptop waiting for something exciting to happen.

i hate being this overly sensitive, emotional jerk. everytime i can't contact anyone close to me, i feel like everyone else is in another planet having the time of their lives, while im all alone in one room, scared and terrified. fuck imagination. i imagine a lot of things when i feel im alone. sometimes, when im so into the whole rain + tears thing, i go to my brother's balcony, feel the mist of the supposedly cold rain, light a cigarette, listen to the most dramatic song i could find in my mp3 player, and cry myself a river. pathetic right? i know. there are just those weird things that you do in your life that are so hard to remove, 'cause fact the matter is, they make you happy (or at least calm) however weird they may be.

since im into the 'my weird practices' now, this may be the perfect and only time i admit to people the weird things i do:
1. just like any other girl, i sing and dance infront of the mirror when im alone. i even use an improvised mic during my so-called concerts.
2. i can never take a bath without a radio. i take this very seriously.
3. i cry infront of the mirror.
4. i cannot sleep without rubbing my feet, especially my right foot, anywhere soft.
5. i pee before every movie i watch. even when im home watching dvds, i piss before a movie starts.
6. i love eating / drinking gravy.
7. my voice AUTOMATICALLY turns malambing everytime i ask favors from people
8. i like hearing tori amos' song when eli is driving very fast at night
9. im kinikilig everytime aidz runs his fingers through my hair
10. i eat noodles with rice
11. i shake my legs whenever i beg aidz to stop being so mad at me for whatever reason
12. i pluck religiously.
13. i don't let anyone touch my eyebrows
14. i don't like people touching my arms.
15. i keep a list of people i love and hate
16. i keep receipts
17. i keep every little thing people i love give me, may it be from tetra packs to candy wrappers
18. whenever i watch teeny bopper movies, i pretend that im the lead girl there.
19. i panic when i see snakes
20. there are floors that i just cant even look at. i call them the icky/kadiri floors
21. i automatically roll my eyes when i see a car + windows down + loud hip hop music + an ugly driver smoking wearing either a cap or his imitation shades. could anything / anyone be more jologs?
22. i read letters of people when im lonely

omg. i could go on and on. but that would suck, right? oohh i hate waiting. hey people! c'mon. im so bored. this night is one of those nights.

i feel alone. i really do.

blast from the past

the moment i got home from china, i havent had the time to blog. i missed it actually. so i owe it to myself to update this pseudo diary of mine. here's what's been happening:

(hey saby, ill be using your technique also)
Oct 24- got home around 1am from the airport. i tried calling aidz to let him know that im home. he wasn't answering the phone so i called eli instead. he told sab after. minutes after calling eli, sab called me. i asked her to come over and to my surprise, she actually did. we ended up talking from 2am-6am about stuff. i love talking to sab!

that afternoon, she went with me to mc. haha. funny sab! she got caught or something. it's so hilarious that whenever i think about it, i still laugh my heart out! aidz then picked us up at starbucks. we ate at baang. eli followed then we watched deuce bigalow.

after the movie, we went to sab's house where gi was waiting. gail followed also. we played the Mad Lib game. it was quite entertaining actually. went home early coz my dad was calling me already.

25 - bummed with sab at starbucks, morato 'til late in the afternoon. aidz went to my house around 8pm. i had fun. missed our moments together. we watched that pathetic movie "a --blah-- shame" that i borrowed from sab. it was soooooooo pathetic. aidz went home around 2am, i think.

26 - went to stacbucks morato with sab. gail and gi followed. gail was so entertaning! it's such a nice feeling being with new people once in awhile. thanks to gail and the free coffee plus the free ride.

27 - went to celeb with gail, gi, sab, lex, and ryan. we were supposed to swim at my house but since celeb is free also, dun nalang! i finally had the chance to live one of my dreams! sab, gi, and i played under the rain! shit. i hope nobody knows about my monoblock scattering. hehe. swimming was so much fun even if sab, ryan, and i didnt really swim. lex, gail, and gi were sooo serious about doing those laps. sorry guys, not really my thing. oh and i love the diving part. i hope saby loved it too.. hhihihihihi

28 - sab and jack went to my house. jene made an appearance also. when jack went home, sab and i tried on some clothes for the trick or treat thing here in galleria. we ended up pretending that we're princesses. ;) trish and i won prizes. around 9pm, we went to esgue's house. that was so much fun. i love his room. it's so.. well, cool. we went back to the 90's that night. i now know why i had a crush on nick carter. gawd. boy bands sure did look cute then!

29 - went to visit my lola in the afternoon. we ate at causeway, banawe after. drei picked me up there around 9pm. we followed bubba and the others. they had this dota competition that lasted until 11.30 that night. they won, by the way. im so proud of aidz! anyway, we went to arcadia around 1 am. i had this minor problem when i got there. good thing i had angels: patty and isa. i had so fun that night. gi, i love you too! went home around 4am but i got in my house around 5am already.

30 - finally! a time for myself!