Just so you know

This feeling is taking control of me, and I can't help but give in sometimes. Please, just let me do things my way. I am trying my best to fix things, trust me. I just really have to do things on my own right now.

I don't want to think anymore. I just want to go somewhere far away, some place where noone can find me. That's where I'll lie down and live.

We ride

This is an entry devoted to defend my MC family.

I have never really accepted the thought that I was in MC until I met these wonderful group of people. They were the ones who reminded me that life will always be easy if I surround myself with the right people.

We may seem like the most delinquent group of people you'll ever meet for drinking almost everyday, may it me day or night, but WE ARE, in my opinion, MORE RESPONSIBLE than most students. We get good grades, we pass our requirements, we attend important seminars, we build good relationships with professors - what more could you want from us? Why does our "we love to party all the time" state bother a lot of you guys? If it doesn't bother us, then others don't have to be bothered for us.

We are not bad influences to one another. What I do has nothing to do with them. I make decisions for myself, while others make theirs for themselves too. We just make sure that whatever comes out of our decisions, we are there when needed. When things get out of hand, that's when we interrupt. We never dictate, we just advise.

We are not pure booze. We don't just drink, you know. We can be serious too. In fact, we talk about serious matters all the time. I learn from these people everyday. I'm sometimes amazed by the depth of the things they say actually.

I love them, so please stop judging them. It's fine time you accept them for who they are, the way I have accepted them. They have accepted me, and I am very thankful for that.

I miss

Tyler.

Truth

Can't believe how you set me free
The way you purify this soul, dont you know?
Got you into my arms now I'm never letting go
This old dog is finally home.

Silent Night

When everybody was having Christmas blues, I wasn't. Not until awhile ago, that is, when we went to see the last mass before December 25. We were all asked by the priest to kneel and together sing the Silent Night with Mt. Carmel's amazing choir. At first I thought it was another pathetic idea of bringing the people 'together'. But it was more than that. Trust me, if you were there, you'd feel it. It gave me the chills listening to everybody sing that simple and solemn song. God, it was all so peaceful.

How I wish everyday could be like tonight.

The Misalette said, "If you were to ask a wish this Christmas, it should be one of these three":
1) gift of faith (I HAVE FAITH IN GOD, AND IN EVERYTHING FOR THAT MATTER, AND I KNOW IT'S A STRONG ONE. ALL I'M ASKING FOR IS FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO HAVE FAITH IN ME AS WELL.)

2) gift of the ability to do God's will (I NEED THIS ONE THE MOST. I WANNA LEARN HOW TO DISTINGUISH WHAT'S RIGHT AND WHAT'S WRONG. I WANNA KNOW HOW TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY WITHOUT HURTING MY OWN FEELINGS. I WANNA KNOW HOW TO MAKE ME HAPPY WITHOUT HURTING OTHERS TOO. IT'S SO HARD BEING GOOD ALL THE TIME.)

3) gift of rejoicing (TO BE TRULY HAPPY IS TO BE CONTENTED WITH WHAT YOU HAVE. SO NOT ME. PLEASE GOD, TEACH ME HOW)


Happy holidays everyone. May we all find our holiday cheers and may all our holiday wishes come true.

Scar Tissue

"With the birds I'll share this lonely view.."

Why is it that we all live by promises we can't keep? Promises are almost always made to be broken and in my opinion, those that can actually keep their promises are heroes. It's always hard to swear on something unknown and yet, we keep on making promises to other people everyday. What's sad is that however we mean our promises, there are still a million things that we can't control that can hinder us from keeping them.


The most tormenting promises are the ones that are easiest to say. "I will love you forever", "I will change, I swear", "I will never do anything to hurt you".


Why is it that we all live by promises we can't keep then? Because it's those promises that give us hope. And it's that hope that keeps us from living. It's that hope that puts smiles on our faces. It's that hope that gives us that pseudo feeling of assurance that life will always be beautiful even with all the scar tissues. And it is, by the way. I promise.

Interstate 60

"If you were given just one wish, what would it be?"


I'd wish for true happiness. I've always wondered how it would feel like to be constantly happy with everything (Family, Friends, School, Love etc).

Guess I'll never know.

Live for the Moment

A friend once told me to let go of all my plans for the future, never think ahead of what's at the present, and just live. I thought she was crazy. How can you live your life and not think of what to do next?


She wasn't wrong.


Living life one day at a time is so much better than preparing yourself for something you're not even sure is gonna happen. It's not that I'm discarding everything I've longed, planned, and worked for already for the future; I'm just taking things one step at a time now. It's better this way, I guess. At least I'll be more focused with what I'm doing. More focus = Less mistakes


I hope some people would understand. I've always been selfish, this move is for everybody.

Learning to Breathe

I love you.

Somewhere in the middle

We've been having communication problems and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everything I did to you. I really am, please believe that. Please understand that this is not as easy to me as it may be to you. You can't push me to be with people that I'm miserable with. I can't be happy and be miserable at the same time. It's unfair to me, more so unfair to you.

I don't want to lie anymore. If you can't let me be with the people who really love me, then I might lie. I did, that's why I don't want to do it anymore. It's better this way first. You'd hate me more if things weren't this way. I don't want that to happen. I'm sorry. I hope you understand.

A Thank You

I have never questioned Friendship until now. It sucks 'cause just when you think you're at that time in your life when you already have a set of friends you think of as dependable, trustworthy, and loving, something happens and you just can't do anything about it but cry.

So before fate surprises me again, I'll take this chance to thank my angels.


TAKER: Thank you for being the only friend in the You and Me group who actually cares. You're the one who constantly checks up on me. You reassured to me that there are still friends capable of proving the real essence of friendship. I love you for being you. When you think I'm selfish, you tell it straight to my face. When you think I'm getting fatter, you say it. When you think I'm pretty, you say it. (Wahaha) I'm planning to keep you for the rest of my life, whether you like it or not. Thank you. You don't know how much I need people like you in my life. I love you.

MAR ans NING: My dear bestfriends. Even if we don't see each other that often, I know nothing changes. THAT'S HOW TRUE FRIENDS ARE TESTED. Even with all the separation, everything's just the same the next time you see each other. You guys give the right advices all the time, I admire you for knowing a person too much.

JACQ: Quality and Quantity! People tried to tear us apart, we both know that. I was mad at you for a time but you never left my side. We tolerate each other but when it comes down to us getting caught with anything we've done, we're not like other people who just leave their friends hanging and not feeling sorry for anything. We're one in a million. You're one in a million, even when we don't agree on a lot of things. I love you for being you because you're unique, and not misunderstood.

MC People: You guys light up my life. You never fail to make me smile, especially when I'm totally down. Together, we may not be the most mature people, but we do know know how to treasure everyone who's in the group. You guys will always be my rainbow.

ANJI: We have been friends since Grade School and my God, we never change! When together, we can talk about anything and everything! It's nice that we're closer again. I missed you..

MOCH: Thank you for always listening to all sides of any story. You were never biased. You know what's right and what's wrong. I can always run to you, we both know that. Thank you for always making me feel safe when I'm with you. Come to think of it, even when I'm not with you, I still feel safe knowing you're my friend.

TIFF: For always listening, thank you. You've been always there for me. Haha I was laughing really hard the other night. Sobrang senti ko yata sayo the other day. You know, the whole "Tiff, I'm sorry ek-ek" Don't get me wrong though, I meant everything I said to you. I always do. I hope you're happy.

MOYA, THEA, VIR, TETEL, AMP, DIVI, PAT: The new faces. Haha. You guys have been with me everyday during those moments when I needed someone to hold me and keep me strong enough to get Aidz back. Thank you for keeping me sane. I love you all.

MY COUSINS: It's so rare that you see cousins who are also close friends. I'm happy we're close. I've been missing the Sunday get togethers because of the damn work but I hope you know I would be doing anything to be with you guys again if I can. Babawi din ako. Anais, thanks for listening even if you were so bothered that day at Cantina.

AIDZ: You'll always be one of my best friends. Thank you for giving me another chance to prove myself. I love you, I always will.


There's never a right time to say goodbye, but I'm gonna try. Goodbye to you who I thought was my dear friend. I'm starting a new life, and much as I want you to be there, I simply can't because my heart's still not willing enough.

Crash and Burn

I just did the biggest mistake of my life.

They say love is all about trust, loyalty, honesty. Guess I screwed that up big time. But Bub, I was in a very low point in my life. It was so wrong. I was so selfish not to think of what you might think. Or react. Or feel. God, I really wasn't thinking then.

I am sorry. I've never meant the word sorry like this, so please, just take it.

It's gonna be hard for me to let you leave cause frankly, it's worse than dying. It was all so sudden. One phone call and it's all over. I can't lose you now, but I understand.

Call me whatever you want, curse me as mant times as you want, I'd gladly accept it. Just don't ever doubt my love for you. I was our biggest fan. It's so often that we find ourselves in that true love that a lot of people look for. I made a mistake, but that doesn't prove that my love for you is not real at all. I love you, as simple as that.

Bub, You know I'll always be waiting. I'm sorry.

Pardon me while I burst

Ive had enough of the world and people's mindless
games. Pardon me, pardon me.

I tried reaching out, honeyS. God knows how much I wanted to reach out, I swear. Thing is, you didnt respond. Not even a smile from you to make things way better. It's so true. All that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away. You're too far for me to hold now, dear. And to think I expected to hold you, my loved ones, for as long as forever. You're just way too far. I wanted to, but I guess you want to move
farther and farther. How can that be possible? Where the hell did I go wrong? I lost a friend.

I sometimes get teary-eyed thinking about the lost possibility. We could've been friends forever. What's stopping us now, anyway? God, how I hope it's not hatred. I love you still for me not to accept the possibility that it's anger that's keeping us back.

I need you to hear me. I need you to stop. I need you not to stop. Understand?

Look, I've been starting everything with an I. Stop with all the "you guys". For all you know, there's "us guys" who's hurt all the time with all you're "you guys".

It hurts, you know. One day you wake up and its not the same. I get through the day fine, happy in most days, but when I begin to think of the US, it's like waking
up to a whole new reality. Sometimes, I don't want to accept the fact its true, but what can I ever do when you want things the way they are now? And if by any chance that you actually don't want this situation, I don't feel that feeling from you at all. You once told me you miss me. I do too, dear. But after that, what?!

Don't you guys feel it too? I know you're not that jaded. So what's the point of all these drama? It's not amusing anymore. Day after day we move farther from each other. Don't you feel anything at all?! I hope you're not asuming that I want this for us 'cause I really don't. Shit, I have so many fucking questions. Why does this have to happen anyway?

Just tell me now, what will it be?

Honeyversarry

Three years man.Who would have thought?

Love is not love which alters when alterations finds it, or bends with the remover to remove. Oh no,it is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken; it is the star to every wandering barque, whose worth's unknown although his height be taken. Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks within his bending sickle's compass come. Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, but bears it out even to the edge of doom.
- W. Shakespeare

When I'm with you Bub, I feel the safest. Being with you shows me that even with all the hatred in this fucked up world, there's this one person who can make things way better. I love you always, that will never alter. Happy Anniversary.

All in a day's work

Work 1: Tyler
I feel so unproductive lately. Blanche, our Assistant Store Operations Manager, told me that I'm recently the highest seller for Tyler Rockwell. (YABANG) That felt really really really really good! HOWEVER, that made me really really really really LAZY as well, assuming that since I've been doing pretty darn well for the last few weeks, I have the right to be useless when I want to.

NOT!

Work 2: Community Service
Fuck community service! All because of those stupid brown lines on my shoes, I have to work my ass off for 50 hours before August 31. Otherwise, they'll be adding more hours! 23 hours more and I'm so done.



WOOPPPPPPPSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Hold UP!
I'm actually in an internet cafe waiting for somebody to wake up. Been here for an hour already. Anyway....... This guy beside me "secretly" passed me a note saying: Hi, I'm Nico. I'm really not sure with what I'm doing but I've been looking at you for awhile now. You look like a really nice chinita. (WTF!? First of all, for the nth time, I am so not a chinita! I have one of the biggest eyes even I have ever seen! Second, should I be satisfied with nice? Nice is NOT a nice word, honey. Wahaha)
I was wondering if I could get your name and number, if it's OK.

I looked straight at him and said politely said NO. Wahahaha! Feeling ako fucker!

Didn't know I was looking for cows until I found you.

I swear, I didn't know.

Obesity + Patheticness + Isolation (yet always trying to belong) = Perfect Combination

Honey, wasn't long enough til I saw what everybody was seeing.


On a lighter note.

God! I forgot to check my mail this morning! If only I checked it a little bit earlier, then I could have gone to Topshop's Private Sale instead! I must admit, it's so rare that I am "exclusively" invited to these types of sales tapos I missed it pa! And to think I was in Rockwell already. Plus it's Topshop! Minsan lang ako magkapera for it tapos wala na.. Gone... It's a one day thing obviously not meant for me.



Pero ok lang (comfort oneself when deppressed), I have new shoes naman e thanks to Sugar dearest. Actually it's thanks to Nica.

Fuck. I sound like a dumb blonde.

Hafta go. Happy birthday to KC later! Hotel (hopefully) here we come!

What's your beef with me, boy?!

The hell with the rest of the world, I'm having the time of my life right now! I'm actually getting way better grades this sem. I love my part-time job PLUS Aidz and I have been CONSISTENTLY happy recently. I see to it that I still have time with my friends and time for myself.

So what's bothering me now?


All good things will come to an end sooner or later.

Uh-oh...

Let's see what this love can do

Have been experiencing a lot of new things lately. Scary at first, as always. Good thing I've got a big support system that help me get through everything even after a long, tiring, day. There's this one person though that I forget to thank all the time. It's you Bub. Everytime I'm so exhausted from school and Tyler, I demand a lot of things from you, even if I know for myself that some of the things I ask are too impossible to do. I'm so sorry. I've been too selfish and yet, without fail, you try your best to give me everything I want and need. I love you, i really do.

With you, I feel like I've got everything I need. Thank God I chose the right person. Thank God you chose me.

It's official, I'm OLDer!

First Stage: Denial Stage
Was watching MYX Backtrax last night while waiting for Anji. Obviously, from the name itself, MYX Backtrax shows old MTVs, hits of those un/forgotten artists. First song of the show: N'Sync's Drive Myself Crazy. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?! N'Sync happened to be one of my favorite artists way back in High School. Okay fine, Grade School. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it! How could that song be part of Backtrax already?! I know it's been years since that song became a hit, but come on, why couldn't they play Beauty and Madness instead? Now that song is perfect for Backtrax, right?

Second Stage: Hurting Stage
Second song of the show: Hansons' Mmmbop. I was officially offended. If we were to make a compilation of songs for my (very young) generation, Mmmbop would surely be part of the list. Even if it was fun seeing young Taylor and young Zac (sorry Isaac) again, it was still a bit humiliating, like putting my Grade School pictures in the MTV. Can't even imagine how I will react when I'm going through menopause already. Good luck.

Third Stage: Acceptance Stage
Next song: Moffats' I'll Be There For You. When I saw that video, I finally convinced myself to acknowlege the fact that these videos are here because they are indeed videos of the (near) past. The sooner I accept the idea, the sooner I'll get over it. Besides, I couldn't think of anything better to do while waiting than to watch MTVs that i used to love.

Fourth Stage: Tolerance Stage
98 Degrees' It's All Because of You and LFO's Summergirls. Alas, after 3 videos, I finally had the "courage" to sing with the songs, MY songs. Wise decision, actually. I screamed my lungs out as if it wasn't midnight yet. It was a great feeling, like transporting myself back to the colorful world of the 90's. I felt like a kid once again.


Try looking back once in awhile. It's not that bad.

Welcome to the Workstation

Oh God, I'll be a working girl anytime soon so please, help me.

I've been "preoccupied" this whole week with Tyler that I forgot to do stuff for school. I'm 99% sure part of the company already, but if by any chance they decide to not hire me instead, that's fine with me. Meeting all those fab people and seeing all those wonderful clothes are handsdown irreplaceable. Thanks to Aidz, Taker, and JC for being a part of the applying process. "The Essays" were not that easy to answer but you guys made it seem a lot less difficult.

It's gonna be challenging, I know that for a fact. For a person as lazy as me, working is like suicide. The only thing that drives me to do this is the collection of clothes that I'll be surrounded with. I know, lame reason right? But at least that's a start. Besides, we all to work sooner or later, whether we like it or not.