girlosophy

the art of living.
(got this from dd's blog)

*appreciate the smallest things
*be gracious in both victory and defeat
*you need butterflies in your heart, not your stomach
*failure is not an option, because ot doesn't exist
*when it comes to falling in love: no chase, no trying too hard, no obsession, just let it be
*a bestfriend forgives foibles, overlooks shortcomings, and accepts, even cherishes idiosyncrasies
*keep your heart sweet
*let it flow, there's nothing wrong with tears
*choose to be happy, you have the power
*clean up your act, edit your life. keep what is useful, important, and beautiful
*learn to be alone. it helps you grow
*believe in magic, you walk in it


life is beautiful if you let it be beautiful. beauty shouldn't just be an opinion, it's a state of mind. one rule i live by: always think you're beautiful. if you think of yourself as anything less than that, then how could other people see your beauty? find those things that make you beautiful, both inside and out, and enhance it. i read this line from my starbucks planner (haha bragging) awhile ago: when you find your favorite, your favorite becomes you.

SWEET HOLIDAYS EVERYONE. ;)

here we go

christmas break once again! cheers to the happy holidays we all should be experiencing!
my christmas jitters are all gone. im loving the season already.

- got the 'glow' bloom cream that ive long been wanting, thanks to chris rabonza! such a sweetie
- sab gave me a nice top. wore it already honey.
- thea and moya's party drew's. it was all fun before someone stole her nice phone. sayang.
- joseph's party was nice. everybody was there. oh, and that famous trupo of his was present too. tss.
- my ateneo barkada party was a blast. though only three of us actually followed the 'wear white top' rule, we all had a great time. loved the food. i ate so much i had to vommit. missed my bitches!
- quattro with eli, jp, sab, and moch. surprisingly, a lot of people we knew were there! gail and pio. reji and the gang. weird night. we stayed there til the waiters were actually cleaning up already.
- one bad thing though, im missing aidz. he went to hongkong with his family. bummer. missing him already (even though he was gone for at least 5 hours pa lang)
- tonette, my true blue new yorker cousin, will be spending christmas here with us. gotta prepare for that. ;)

christmas jitters

its getting colder, im getting sicker.

yup, christmas is slowly taking over my entire system, telling me its THE time for gift giving. i hate it. im totally broke. i barely have enough money for gifts. making my christmas list is now harder, and must i add, more challenging. when you have little money for others, you'll be forced to be a little bit wiser and a lot more kuripot than usual. it's either you give only pricey gifts to people really close to you, or you go shopping for somewhat non-sense gifts for everybody.

my list is definitely shorter this year. :( reality bites. i used to give gifts to everyone i love. its just saddening whenever you downgrade your anything. i hate that my christmas list is the one i have to downgrade this year. it's always fun to give gifts, and for someone who loves receiving knick knacks, i feel somewhat obliged to repay everyone the little joys they give me.

i know, i know. the world is not that materialistic and if morrie (of tuesdays with morrie) was to talk to me right now, he'd say that material things are for-the-meantime kind of happiness only. yada-yada. all i want is for everybody to receive the stuff they really want. im really bummed that i can't give everyone that. sigh.

i have one hand in my pocket, and the other one is giving a peace sign.

jologs

fine. guilty as charged. watched the big night of pinoy big brother. hated wency cordero (whatever his name is) and willie revillame. such posers. loved marielle's dresses though.

anyway, since i was in the jologs mood once again, i tried watching master showman. yah. the famous walang tulugan. saw hero and alas, i was once again amazed by his charm. this is what i get for being at home on a RAINY saturday night.

here's my list of jologs favorites:
- i have a crush on hero angeles. shut up.
- i love tagalog movies. as a matter of fact, i watch a lot of filipino stuff. i just never went ballistic over telenovelas. im not really fond of them. well, except when F4 was the talk of the town. ha! went crazy over that show. who would have thought asianovelas would actually click.
- i love showbiz talks.
- i religiously watch sop-asap every sunday.
- id rather take the risk of shopping in 168mall or tutuban just to get the cheapest, yet still as nice as the expensive clothes ever.
- i love alessandra de rossi. (did i spell her name correctly?)
- i get starstruck whenever i see showbiz people.
i know there are lots more, but im too lazy to even think.

i need a break.

3 ways to be happy

learned this from my dear gi ;)

1. count your blessings
2. stay away from the people who hurt you
3. shit, i forgot. gi help!

emails

we were never really the email sending kind of couples. this message was different though. mushy, yes. its the effort from him that i'm more happy about.

from aidz:
14 things i'll do for my bubba
1. tell her she looks pretty
2. write her a note
3. just walk around with her
4. let her fall asleep in your arms
5. CALL HER
6. call her back if she calls you
7. get her ad then kiss her
8. give her space if she needs it
9. stay up with her all night
10. when shes sad, hangout with her
11. stay on the phone with her, even if shes not saying anything
12. look into her eyes
13. sit outside with her & look at the stars
14. kiss her in the rain

thank you.

idlip

in the arms of make-believe, sleep will set you free

finding that spark

i was sick, so forgive me for being so moody. my last post was so emo. i guess id have to make bawi (tss. conyo shit) with some emo stuff too.

sorry. i wasn't thinking. im moody when im sick and you know that. you know how i am. basta. next time im sick, give me more attention. i promise, ill be that pathetic but SWEET (not grouchy anymore) bed-ridden loser waiting for your call the next time something like that happens. you make me happy, i hope you know that.
on other matters.....

i was talking to my dearest friend awhile ago. we talked about how hard it is to ignore the feeling of boredom when you're in a serious, long term relationship. reality slap people, it can be boring at a certain point, but that doesn't mean that everything has to end at that moment. steadiness is part of the whole relationship idea. that's what i learned from my dear aidz. he said that if a person's not willing to be steady with another person, then there's no point in continuing the relationship. when you get restless after 2 years of being together, then you'll definitely gonna be more restless 3, or even 10, years more. being steady has its ups. it makes you become more comfortable and safe with each other. it allows you to have someone as an easy outlet for whatever emotion it is you're having. in truth, being in a steady relationship makes you feel more confident too. blah blah blah.

i sometimes wonder if steadiness is the reason why there are commitment phobic people. i dont get them actually, how can you be scared of commitment when you havent given it a shot with that person? no relationship is the same, so why generalize love right? who knows, that next one might be the one.

the solution to boredom? find different ways of expressing your deep love for each other. this one's tricky. sab and i have been trying to look for perfect solutions for couples, but some are just so hard to actualize. so, here's what we've thought of as of now:
1. try a new sport together. (it works! its even fun when you're both competitive)
2. eat/go somewhere you dont usually go to. (being in a new environment gives you that 'we just had a different experience today' kind of feeling)
3. get drunk together. (there are lots of fun stuff you can do when you're wasted!)
4. renovate each other's rooms (well... )
5. go somewhere far and exciting
6. do the unusual (do things for him that you do not normally do. in my case, i have been dreaming of that day when i actually cook aidz that meal he's been long been wanting. sad to say, i dont cook AT ALL. maybe someday)
7. talk for hours about anything under the sun. phone conversations are definitely a no-no. its a lot more meaningful when you're together.
8. go wacky! do crazy stuff together like dance in the middle of who cares where. (ok, so im the only one who does that. its fun, try it.)


found this one in my Theology131 book:
It is when a couple falls out of love that they may begin to really love; real love does not have its roots in a feeling of love. To the contrary, real lvoe occurs in a context in which the feeling of lvoe is lacking, when we act lovingly despite the fact that we don't feel loving. Real love is permanently self-enlarging experience. Falling inlove is not - M. Scott Peck

who's to blame?

no, we're definitely not cool.

you want me to actually believe that you care when you, ONCE AGAIN, (let me guess) 'accidentally' slept while waiting for your sister to stop using the phone? you said so yourself, im sick and i need my rest. well guess what, im still sick and im still awake.

oh and yes, im blaming you for my being like this right now.

its a family thing

fuck. its been like this ever since. it just got a whole lot worse when i got out of ateneo. fuck.

nobody in the family knows even 5% of me, so they dont have the fuckin right to tell me who i am and what i should do. im so pissed off right now with everyone, especially my parents. just a sight of me would make them say two paragraphs of useless shit about my so-called useless life.

my dad has finally absorbed the fact that his words are nothing compared to my mom's. he has officially joined the under-the-saya organization. if thats what he wants, good luck then. nothing is as hell as letting my mom have full control of your life. i hope he's happy coz im definitely not. ive spent 4 years in college and its the first time my dad said no to every gimik i was supposed to go to. fuck. 'this time around, when i say no, no na kagad wag mo ng pilitin pa!' tangna. after tasting the sweet yes from him everytime i asked permission to go anywhere, that's what he's gonna tell me? he says ive had enough. enough of what? parties? tss. its not as if i go out every weekend! (well...) tangna, i go out but its not like i go around getting high all the time. i am not an addict. so sorry to let them down, but im really not. they think i am, thats stupid. tss. ever since he said no to that overnight at sab's, i said goodbye to talking to him. don't think ill be changing that soon.

i never talk to my mom. its pointless. obviously, we are far from being the gilmore girls (not that i want us to be). a sentence-long conversation is for us to start shouting at each other. she'll never understand me, that's for sure. she has a million things to say in everything i do: 1.my ukay ukay clothers are demonic cause eventually, ill be getting the bad characteristics of the last person who wore them. 2.when she sees my eyes watery, droopy, and all that jazz, she'll conclude that ive been taking drugs and shit. 3.i never made and will make wise decisions. 4.im a fuckin liar 5.im not as smart as everyone else 6. im the most deviant child a parent could ever want 7.i burn their money by buying useless stuff 8.im more fat than her 9.my friends are as fucked up as me 9.i have no right to anything 10-?..endless shit man. wow. moms are supposed to be their daughters' friends but nooo. we never had friendship to begin with. i know my limitations cause she said so: 'di mo ko kabarkada, nanay mo ko. remember that.' tangna she sure could count on that!

now, my brother. its a love-hate relationship, so its kinda the same with everyone naman. i just hate it when there's that favoritism shit again. scenario: parent's room. we both asked for money cause we both had lakads to go to. i get P100 and a mom shouting telling me how irresponsible i am for not having money for my own lakads, while he gets P500-1000 and a mom asking him if that's enough or not. wwhhhaatt-ttthhheee-fffuuuccckkk?! its been like that ever since they've proven the genius in him. no to my tagaytay outing, but yes to his batangas trip. no to using the driver, but yes to letting him use the driver, even the pajero, until wee hours of the morning. i know that he's definitely proven himself worthy of the armani and lacoste shirts she's been getting almost all the time, but it just feels so wrong sometimes. there should never ever be that kind of treatment when it comes to kids, if you ask me.

now, down to one. trish. my favorite familymate. she's definitely a sweetheart, but when my mom's around, trish is as 'angelic' as her. i love her dearly. i just hate that suck up side of hers.

now, here's my side of the story. i am not deliquent, just misunderstood. they think i make wrong decisions, maybe i do. but that never stopped me from doing something productive, intelligent, creative, and useful. oh and by the way, im smart. that's a fact. no dumb person would pass acet by luck or chance. though im not there anymore, i stayed for exactly 5 semesters. my friends are not fucked up. i love them cause theyre the best people in the world. i love going out cause its where im happy. im never happy when im with my family. i know that sucks, but thats that. i never care where im going, as long as its not with them. ive had a million attempts of leaving the house, but i never could. i try to get high grades now, i really am. i love ukay ukay. for the past years, ive never asked them to buy me anything, so they cant tell me that all i ever do is beg for something. i live with the little money they give me, even when i know na nananadya lang sila. i cry all the time. i shout cause im never heard. its always there side, and never mine. im silent when im with them cause the things i say never matter anyway.

they say they know me. tss. who the fuck are they fooling?

steady

everything's okay now. im calm, im contented.

it's gonna be QUITE different this time around. i think i want to let go of the 'always crying' side i have perfected and/or mastered through time. it's so hard to turn your whole world away from the person who means the whole world to you. anyhoo. that's why im staying. im not a fool. i want to stay, so i will.

glad that we're okay. happy that we're happy. tss.

foolish

see my days are cold without you, but im hurting while im with you. and though my heart cant take no more i keep on coming back to you.

fuck. weird experience saturday night. was it a taste of reality? f.

a paradox

was at Quattro last Thursday night. my girls were there: sab and gi. we had to go out. we all had our own reasons for wanting, no,i think the perfect word would be NEEDING to go out. lex and the others were there. gawd, chubi was there too. proud, NORMAL, pathetic shit. anyway, i had fun. in fact, i had so much fun! its been awhile since i last went out with a new set of people. my nights would usually be with the claret boys or my ateneo friends. im not complaining. its just so refreshing being around people you don't really know that well. gawd. such a memorable night. thanks sab. thanks gi. you made me smile.

--

on the other hand

--

im sad. nothing's going right.
i try to keep it together, but im sooo falling apart.


im so tired, i feel so uninspired. i scared of this feeling.

waiting

everyone's doing their all souls day thing, while im left here sitting infront of my laptop waiting for something exciting to happen.

i hate being this overly sensitive, emotional jerk. everytime i can't contact anyone close to me, i feel like everyone else is in another planet having the time of their lives, while im all alone in one room, scared and terrified. fuck imagination. i imagine a lot of things when i feel im alone. sometimes, when im so into the whole rain + tears thing, i go to my brother's balcony, feel the mist of the supposedly cold rain, light a cigarette, listen to the most dramatic song i could find in my mp3 player, and cry myself a river. pathetic right? i know. there are just those weird things that you do in your life that are so hard to remove, 'cause fact the matter is, they make you happy (or at least calm) however weird they may be.

since im into the 'my weird practices' now, this may be the perfect and only time i admit to people the weird things i do:
1. just like any other girl, i sing and dance infront of the mirror when im alone. i even use an improvised mic during my so-called concerts.
2. i can never take a bath without a radio. i take this very seriously.
3. i cry infront of the mirror.
4. i cannot sleep without rubbing my feet, especially my right foot, anywhere soft.
5. i pee before every movie i watch. even when im home watching dvds, i piss before a movie starts.
6. i love eating / drinking gravy.
7. my voice AUTOMATICALLY turns malambing everytime i ask favors from people
8. i like hearing tori amos' song when eli is driving very fast at night
9. im kinikilig everytime aidz runs his fingers through my hair
10. i eat noodles with rice
11. i shake my legs whenever i beg aidz to stop being so mad at me for whatever reason
12. i pluck religiously.
13. i don't let anyone touch my eyebrows
14. i don't like people touching my arms.
15. i keep a list of people i love and hate
16. i keep receipts
17. i keep every little thing people i love give me, may it be from tetra packs to candy wrappers
18. whenever i watch teeny bopper movies, i pretend that im the lead girl there.
19. i panic when i see snakes
20. there are floors that i just cant even look at. i call them the icky/kadiri floors
21. i automatically roll my eyes when i see a car + windows down + loud hip hop music + an ugly driver smoking wearing either a cap or his imitation shades. could anything / anyone be more jologs?
22. i read letters of people when im lonely

omg. i could go on and on. but that would suck, right? oohh i hate waiting. hey people! c'mon. im so bored. this night is one of those nights.

i feel alone. i really do.

blast from the past

the moment i got home from china, i havent had the time to blog. i missed it actually. so i owe it to myself to update this pseudo diary of mine. here's what's been happening:

(hey saby, ill be using your technique also)
Oct 24- got home around 1am from the airport. i tried calling aidz to let him know that im home. he wasn't answering the phone so i called eli instead. he told sab after. minutes after calling eli, sab called me. i asked her to come over and to my surprise, she actually did. we ended up talking from 2am-6am about stuff. i love talking to sab!

that afternoon, she went with me to mc. haha. funny sab! she got caught or something. it's so hilarious that whenever i think about it, i still laugh my heart out! aidz then picked us up at starbucks. we ate at baang. eli followed then we watched deuce bigalow.

after the movie, we went to sab's house where gi was waiting. gail followed also. we played the Mad Lib game. it was quite entertaining actually. went home early coz my dad was calling me already.

25 - bummed with sab at starbucks, morato 'til late in the afternoon. aidz went to my house around 8pm. i had fun. missed our moments together. we watched that pathetic movie "a --blah-- shame" that i borrowed from sab. it was soooooooo pathetic. aidz went home around 2am, i think.

26 - went to stacbucks morato with sab. gail and gi followed. gail was so entertaning! it's such a nice feeling being with new people once in awhile. thanks to gail and the free coffee plus the free ride.

27 - went to celeb with gail, gi, sab, lex, and ryan. we were supposed to swim at my house but since celeb is free also, dun nalang! i finally had the chance to live one of my dreams! sab, gi, and i played under the rain! shit. i hope nobody knows about my monoblock scattering. hehe. swimming was so much fun even if sab, ryan, and i didnt really swim. lex, gail, and gi were sooo serious about doing those laps. sorry guys, not really my thing. oh and i love the diving part. i hope saby loved it too.. hhihihihihi

28 - sab and jack went to my house. jene made an appearance also. when jack went home, sab and i tried on some clothes for the trick or treat thing here in galleria. we ended up pretending that we're princesses. ;) trish and i won prizes. around 9pm, we went to esgue's house. that was so much fun. i love his room. it's so.. well, cool. we went back to the 90's that night. i now know why i had a crush on nick carter. gawd. boy bands sure did look cute then!

29 - went to visit my lola in the afternoon. we ate at causeway, banawe after. drei picked me up there around 9pm. we followed bubba and the others. they had this dota competition that lasted until 11.30 that night. they won, by the way. im so proud of aidz! anyway, we went to arcadia around 1 am. i had this minor problem when i got there. good thing i had angels: patty and isa. i had so fun that night. gi, i love you too! went home around 4am but i got in my house around 5am already.

30 - finally! a time for myself!

china

its been awhile since i went out of the country. come oct 19, i was having butterflies in my stomach. it seemed impossible for me to absorb the idea that i was going with by bestfriend ning, but when i saw her at the airport, it was finally clear. i was in for a great trip!

now, retelling everything would just be a drag so here's a simpler list:

Chinese things that made me go 'no shit?!':
1. their lavatories are the grossest restrooms ive ever seen in my entire life
2. chinese girls have the same taste in fashion as mine and sab's. seeing all their pormas killed me. i wanted almost everything they wore!
3. never go to china during oct. all you'll be seeing will be winter season clothes. so much for shopping.
4. they love drinking, may it be beer or tea.
5. .. but they'll never give you a glass of water unless you ask for it. and when the water is actually there, all you'll be getting is a steaming glass of water.
6. filipinos, however bastos they can get, are way better than chinese when it comes to values.
7. chinese girls either have soft, straight hair or curly, scary hair
8. you can drive as fast as 140 and still not notice how fast you are.
9. chinese people think im beautiful! (that's the best part!) haha.
10. they have hotels where you can smoke anywhere you want. fuck those insensitive guys who smoked inside the elevators.

china wasn't that great, at least for me, but the people im with were such happy people! looking forward to more out of the country trips with my friends from now on. right mar?
ning, goodmownin!

happy hour

finally. sneaking time once again. it's been awhile since i officially sneaked out of the house. my mom knew about the midnight sneaks two months ago so she had no choice but to let me go out every weekend. she said it was better than sneaking out of the house around 11pm. she was never that strict when i was in ateneo. come to think of it, she was not at all strict when i was there. it just so happened that things didn't turn out the way WE planned it to be, so i guess she had to put discipline in my system again.

the new go-out-every-weekend plan worked, but it wasn't that exciting. there were even times when i didn't want to go out at all. so much for freedom.

felt the excitement yesterday, though. we went to sab's house around 12am. aidz, eli, taker and bok picked me up. i think overwhelmed is the right word to describe the feeling when i saw bok. missed him. anyway, adi followed and bea (sab's sister) woke up just to see eli. and of course to be with me, duh. haha.

i had fun, even if i didnt drink that much. sorry saby, i let you down last night. bawi some other time?

a toast to you all.

each time

why am i getting all these goodbyes?

we nearly broke up this morning... for the nth time. thank god we didn't. it was nobody's fault. everything was clouded by misunderstadings and wrong impressions. nothing too serious. thank god again.

to bubba, it was nice seeing you again after two days. i really missed you.

----
got my grades yesterday. they were good, but not that impressive.

get this guys: i think im becoming so sick of katipunan. i still love it, though. its just the same aura everyday. i just cant help go there. it's such a "home" to me.

was with taker drei jacq and jc at cantina yesterday. that was interesting. went to eli's after to kill time.

li, i was touched when you opened the aircon while i was sleeping. nothing really big, but i was touched. drei deary, thanks for bringing us home.

im so lucky i got sweet friends.
--

oh my god. gotta bounce (yah. the term. but everybody's using it so what the hell). gonna go to sab's place pa.

shake it off

my body hurts big time. alexy, i think im becoming a lola also. i honestly need a rocking chair. yesterday was the most tiring day i've had since summer. when i woke up this morning, i felt like my body was paralyzed and the only thing that i can move was my head. good thing i can move a little now. i know i did bad yesterday. fyi, its the first time i auditioned for anything, and i didnt give my best. i think i did, but i know now that i couldve done something more. tsk. tsk. tsk.

i have such nice guy friends. i wouldnt trade them for the world. even if to them, im one super gaslaw girl who could punch them anytime i want, they still treat me like a princess when aidz is not around. thanks ELI (you're here na), drei, and jp. you have big hearts.

***
moved the trip to oct 20. fuck. wont be able to watch a gig. haha.


***
im having weird feelings about everything again.

***
my parents are bugging me, as always for no reason at all. im so irritated right now.

currently loving: craig david
**feeling like a fool 'cause i let you down.

hoohoo

i dont think i deserve this sembreak.

this last sem has been the lightest, stress-free sem ive ever had. much as i love doing nothing, there are times when i like to be challenged also.

OMG! im off to china on the 23rd. im so psyched about it 'coz its gonna be the very first time im out of a country with an actual friend. in fact, its my bestfriend who's coming with me (along with my parents, that is). but still, its a whole different thing. its usually the family who's with me, and its usually the extended family that we visit. this time, its gonna be me, ning, my parents, and her parents visiting noone but the country itself. our parents are there for business purposes, we're there to make up for all the time we didn't spend together because of school.
ive been having butterflies since last night. i can't wait..

mar, i hope you could come.

---

to my dear sister PATRICIA ROSE SANGALANG, you're our princess, my twin.

a magical day to you! i love you! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEARY!